Going Cookoo!

What is the main cause of stress and insanity for me?
Anticipation...

Anticipation is the worst cause for the onset of insanity. The impatience alone drives me mad and it is always the cause for the start of a depressive cycle. The funny thing is that what I’m anticipating for is something good, but I can’t seem to see the end result, instead I focus on the present and time seems to take so long. A week ago I received an email that my chances of going to New York and studying have increased, I had made the final stages and that they were determining whether or not I would be going in 2008 or 2009. See, so I know I’ve made it – it’s just a matter of going this year or next year. Yet I can’t seem to see the whole bright side of this, instead I’m driving myself crazy over the fact that I have to wait a week (actually it’s been 10 days now).
Anticipation, fear, or unpredictability are said to be human stressors. A lot of people develop an "I don't give a f**&" attitude to get by this. I've tried it before but instead I end up becoming manic and make regretful decisions.

I’ve realized what drives me crazy the most, its not anticipation by itself. The mother of an anxiety onset is irritation of not knowing. Let’s not confuse that with the ‘unknown’ – I'm referring to NOT KNOWING. There’s a difference. The unknown, to me, refers to something I have no clue about, something absolutely uncertain like being trapped in a dark forest in foreign territory. The Not Knowing I’m referring to is more like being told you’re in a dark forest, told that you will eventually make it out but that’s all. The rest is left up to you to wait and see. So what do you do in the mean time? Do you wait for help or do you find your own way out? Would finding your own way out jeopardize the search party’s efforts of finding you?

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited about this news of finally going to the Big Apple – its part of my dream. I know deep inside I’m making the right moves and that my destiny will be fulfilled but why does it always feel like reassertions don’t help. Instead I get sucked into the anxiety, unpredictability eats me up and impatience makes a mockery out of me. I have always been like this yet I can never learn to concentrate on positives as it is always preached, it’s impossible.

So I leave you with this definition of Anticipation to ponder on whether you handle this emotion 'normally' or not. I know I don't..

Anticipation or being enthusiastic, is an emotion involving pleasure (and sometimes anxiety) in considering some expected or longed-for good event, or irritation at having to wait. Robert Plutchik listed anticipation as one of the eight basic emotions in his psychoevolutionary theory. See also hope. A name for pleasured anticipation is excitement.
Anticipation can be shown in many ways; for example, some people seem to smile uncontrollably during this period, while others seem ill or sick. It is not uncommon for the brain to be so focused on an event, that the body is affected in such a way. Stage fright is a type of anticipation, stemming from the actor or actress hoping that they perform well.

Signs I'm Sliding

Excerpt from my jounral - originally from the 24th of June

When I'm about to slump into a depressive state my body and brain have a discussion before it happens. What do I mean by this? Well it’s kind of like a 'gut feeling' or instincts but slightly different in that I don’t feel it in my gut or heart. I feel it gradually everywhere. It’s hard to explain and I'm not sure whether I’m the first to ever write about this feeling, probably not. But its something that starts in the back of the mind gradually moves forward and down the central nervous system. Or it could even the opposite way, but either way, this is the beginning of the murky cloudy feeling depressive people may describe. As it forms my mind and body are alert but kind of turn a blind eye - different from how I'd start to react when its a manic state creeping up where my body and mind would enthusiastically invite more and more of the pre-manic symptoms in.

So, I'm going into another depressive cycle and the dead give always are:
1. Can't get out of bed / Can't be bothered getting out for bed -
The underlying reason behind this is because my outlook on the day ahead is bleak. i.e I think I'm going to have a shit day at work or I think that the day ahead is just going to eb unbearable. Thoughts like these begin to build up even before I've flicked my blanket up off me. By the time I do get out of bed the feelings start getting worse...
2. Grumpiness takes over all other feelings -
I slump out of bed and straight towards the shower completely ignoring everyone and everything. I don't want to talk and the funny thing is my jaws lock up so hard that even if I wanted to open my mouth I can’t. It's like my mind makes damn sure I don’t bother communicating either to save myself from an ugly confrontation or because it simply cant come up with the energy to utter a word.
3. Time... takes it's time -
The goes by very very slowly. Time itself becomes a big factor, i tend to pay a lot of attention to how slowly the day is going by which makes things seem even slower. This makes my thoughts, speech and reaction slow, I feel like I'm 'dazed' as well and I constantly wish the day would end so I can just go to bed.
4. Disassociation/ irritability & negative energy
This is probably the worst phase. I pretty much lose touch with who I am and get easily frustrated with life in general. The confusion alone makes me lose it.

Can anyone relate to this phase? Please share your comments, I'm curious...

Famous Bi-Polarians

Sometimes we wonder if we are alone? Then we read blogs by many out there just like us. Then we wonder, will I ever acheive what I dream to acheive? Then I watch this clip.



I know I'll etch my name into the walls of history one day. This clip reminds me I can.
Enjoy.
Ps. I realize some of the people in this clip haven't officially been publicly labaled as Bi Polar, but some have shown obvious signs or similar symptoms.

The routine

I'm due for my first routine check up tomorrow with my psychiatrist. It’s been nearly a month since I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and to be honest I really can’t be bothered going in tomorrow morning. I just think this getting well routine is starting to take over my life too much. I mean I’m not going to deny that I actually have been getting a little better, but the amount of time, finances and energy put into it is just becoming too much.
Blood tests here check ups there, appointments here. My lunch breaks at work consist of me running from clinic to bank to clinic to doctor trying to get things done while I can without anyone at work suspecting a thing leaving me to eat at my desk, scoffing my food down as fast as I can so I can get things done. So tomorrow morning I have to call in work to tell them that I'm either going to be late or not come in at all. Then be charged another medical bill that I don’t have money for – I have a feeling the financial burden itself is going to put me into a depression alone! I can’t keep telling my managers that I can’t make it cause of a doctors appointment or that I feel ill because it’s just going to raise too many questions I don’t want to answer.
To top it off I really didn’t like the way my psych conducted his observations last time, id prefer to see someone else. It just feels like I’m being forced into all these activities that are messing me my normal daily routine – something that drives me mad!