Hello World

Hello world.

Welcome to my life. At times exciting, fast and fun, sometimes overwhelming and other times just plain cold, slow and painfully unbearable.
You see, I’m a man aged in my mid 20’s that’s recently discovered that I suffer from uncontrollable mood swings, fluctuating emotions and depressive states that have left me questioning the concept of life itself. I know it sounds dangerously volatile, but it’s something that’s a product of my own foolishness, ignorance, denial and slight paranoia.
At the age of 19 I realized that something seems to be really wrong after looking at my actions one day and reflecting on similar things I’ve done through out all my teens. What am I referring to? Well for instance, sometimes I’d cry no absolute reason, sometimes I’d scream for no absolute reason, sometimes I’d trap myself in my room, sometimes I’d get hysterical and over exited.
Well, you get the point, but what’s funny is that when I started looking back on my behavior and attitude all these things are kind of blurry forgotten memories, or better yet, you know when you watch a movie and there’s a scene of the actor remembering – the camera lens looks misty, the white is bright but soft and things are kind of moving in a blurred motion. That’s what my reflections looked like, and then I’d come to an enlightened realization that I’ve been living a really up and down life, but nobody’s said anything – so, hey it must be me just overreacting to my memories.

So that’s me at 19, in denial that something’s seriously wrong with my emotions, moods and behavior, yet life goes on and things aren’t too bad. Fast forward a few years and I’ve noticed these mood swings are a big part of my life and kind of take control of situations when they arise. I notice them only after they happen – like that misty memory stored in the back of my mind – and now I seem to analyze them in more detail. At this point I’m thinking… maybe this is just me growing up, becoming a mature man and observing my ego, my self, my identity and it’s not a big deal. Yet in this period of ‘self discovery’ I stumbled upon a television ad one late night. With the volume on mute, I couldn’t help but notice this ad. It was saying something to me. The main actor was a young girl, in one seen smiling, looking ecstatic at a party, then the scene switches to a dark room, what looked like the corner of her bedroom, sitting down crawled up and crying. Holy shit! That’s me! My brain goes into overdrive; and I see the word Bi-Polar somewhere in the text at the end. Anyway, the night goes on and the ad becomes a distant memory, until a few days later when it springs up in my head as if an alarm trying to tell me I need to be curious about something right now. So just like any curious cat I Google the word, open a Wikipedia article on it and my life was changed forever.
I had bi-polar? Hmmm... That explains a lot...


(Fastforward to June 1, 2008)
So for the past couple of years I live with this thing called Bi-polar, constantly in denial I have a mental disorder, yet constantly celebrating it. I guess because in the manic states I was able to be at creative heights that gave me the opportunity to work on projects that had serious good chances of making a name for myself – something I’ve always dreamt about ( I've wanted to scribe my name in the history books since I was a kid). I was going somewhere... I was highly creative, with really impressive ideas... I was funny, quirky and sometimes over the top (in a fun way)… I was weird, why do I suddenly ‘disappear’? Why do I look sad tonight? These are things my friends and people who knew me well would start saying every now and then.
It was my Borrowed Crown. I was the king of the world for a while, well, at times, until the crown was due to be returned.
Then I started questioning myself, too much. Things stopped making sense and the downward spiral began, which brings us to this point. Where I’ve finally realized my demise and after a great deal of mental battles, I’m laying down my armor. I’m seeing someone about this. I’ve got big dreams to make true, this thing aint stopping me.