Going Cookoo!

What is the main cause of stress and insanity for me?
Anticipation...

Anticipation is the worst cause for the onset of insanity. The impatience alone drives me mad and it is always the cause for the start of a depressive cycle. The funny thing is that what I’m anticipating for is something good, but I can’t seem to see the end result, instead I focus on the present and time seems to take so long. A week ago I received an email that my chances of going to New York and studying have increased, I had made the final stages and that they were determining whether or not I would be going in 2008 or 2009. See, so I know I’ve made it – it’s just a matter of going this year or next year. Yet I can’t seem to see the whole bright side of this, instead I’m driving myself crazy over the fact that I have to wait a week (actually it’s been 10 days now).
Anticipation, fear, or unpredictability are said to be human stressors. A lot of people develop an "I don't give a f**&" attitude to get by this. I've tried it before but instead I end up becoming manic and make regretful decisions.

I’ve realized what drives me crazy the most, its not anticipation by itself. The mother of an anxiety onset is irritation of not knowing. Let’s not confuse that with the ‘unknown’ – I'm referring to NOT KNOWING. There’s a difference. The unknown, to me, refers to something I have no clue about, something absolutely uncertain like being trapped in a dark forest in foreign territory. The Not Knowing I’m referring to is more like being told you’re in a dark forest, told that you will eventually make it out but that’s all. The rest is left up to you to wait and see. So what do you do in the mean time? Do you wait for help or do you find your own way out? Would finding your own way out jeopardize the search party’s efforts of finding you?

Don’t get me wrong I’m excited about this news of finally going to the Big Apple – its part of my dream. I know deep inside I’m making the right moves and that my destiny will be fulfilled but why does it always feel like reassertions don’t help. Instead I get sucked into the anxiety, unpredictability eats me up and impatience makes a mockery out of me. I have always been like this yet I can never learn to concentrate on positives as it is always preached, it’s impossible.

So I leave you with this definition of Anticipation to ponder on whether you handle this emotion 'normally' or not. I know I don't..

Anticipation or being enthusiastic, is an emotion involving pleasure (and sometimes anxiety) in considering some expected or longed-for good event, or irritation at having to wait. Robert Plutchik listed anticipation as one of the eight basic emotions in his psychoevolutionary theory. See also hope. A name for pleasured anticipation is excitement.
Anticipation can be shown in many ways; for example, some people seem to smile uncontrollably during this period, while others seem ill or sick. It is not uncommon for the brain to be so focused on an event, that the body is affected in such a way. Stage fright is a type of anticipation, stemming from the actor or actress hoping that they perform well.

Signs I'm Sliding

Excerpt from my jounral - originally from the 24th of June

When I'm about to slump into a depressive state my body and brain have a discussion before it happens. What do I mean by this? Well it’s kind of like a 'gut feeling' or instincts but slightly different in that I don’t feel it in my gut or heart. I feel it gradually everywhere. It’s hard to explain and I'm not sure whether I’m the first to ever write about this feeling, probably not. But its something that starts in the back of the mind gradually moves forward and down the central nervous system. Or it could even the opposite way, but either way, this is the beginning of the murky cloudy feeling depressive people may describe. As it forms my mind and body are alert but kind of turn a blind eye - different from how I'd start to react when its a manic state creeping up where my body and mind would enthusiastically invite more and more of the pre-manic symptoms in.

So, I'm going into another depressive cycle and the dead give always are:
1. Can't get out of bed / Can't be bothered getting out for bed -
The underlying reason behind this is because my outlook on the day ahead is bleak. i.e I think I'm going to have a shit day at work or I think that the day ahead is just going to eb unbearable. Thoughts like these begin to build up even before I've flicked my blanket up off me. By the time I do get out of bed the feelings start getting worse...
2. Grumpiness takes over all other feelings -
I slump out of bed and straight towards the shower completely ignoring everyone and everything. I don't want to talk and the funny thing is my jaws lock up so hard that even if I wanted to open my mouth I can’t. It's like my mind makes damn sure I don’t bother communicating either to save myself from an ugly confrontation or because it simply cant come up with the energy to utter a word.
3. Time... takes it's time -
The goes by very very slowly. Time itself becomes a big factor, i tend to pay a lot of attention to how slowly the day is going by which makes things seem even slower. This makes my thoughts, speech and reaction slow, I feel like I'm 'dazed' as well and I constantly wish the day would end so I can just go to bed.
4. Disassociation/ irritability & negative energy
This is probably the worst phase. I pretty much lose touch with who I am and get easily frustrated with life in general. The confusion alone makes me lose it.

Can anyone relate to this phase? Please share your comments, I'm curious...

Famous Bi-Polarians

Sometimes we wonder if we are alone? Then we read blogs by many out there just like us. Then we wonder, will I ever acheive what I dream to acheive? Then I watch this clip.



I know I'll etch my name into the walls of history one day. This clip reminds me I can.
Enjoy.
Ps. I realize some of the people in this clip haven't officially been publicly labaled as Bi Polar, but some have shown obvious signs or similar symptoms.

The routine

I'm due for my first routine check up tomorrow with my psychiatrist. It’s been nearly a month since I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and to be honest I really can’t be bothered going in tomorrow morning. I just think this getting well routine is starting to take over my life too much. I mean I’m not going to deny that I actually have been getting a little better, but the amount of time, finances and energy put into it is just becoming too much.
Blood tests here check ups there, appointments here. My lunch breaks at work consist of me running from clinic to bank to clinic to doctor trying to get things done while I can without anyone at work suspecting a thing leaving me to eat at my desk, scoffing my food down as fast as I can so I can get things done. So tomorrow morning I have to call in work to tell them that I'm either going to be late or not come in at all. Then be charged another medical bill that I don’t have money for – I have a feeling the financial burden itself is going to put me into a depression alone! I can’t keep telling my managers that I can’t make it cause of a doctors appointment or that I feel ill because it’s just going to raise too many questions I don’t want to answer.
To top it off I really didn’t like the way my psych conducted his observations last time, id prefer to see someone else. It just feels like I’m being forced into all these activities that are messing me my normal daily routine – something that drives me mad!

Take a Breather!

Some lessons on relaxtion breathing techniques. Enjoy!

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Anxiety!

I'm lovin' Krizz Kaliko's new album Vitiligo. And perfectly placed as the first song on the album is Anxiety
Apart from the powerful eerie beat and bassline have a listen to the lyrics. They really hit home.

(There's no clip to this song so your going to have top deal with Krizz's head for the next 4 minutes)


Click here to read the lyrics for yourself...

My medication memoirs

As I get treatment for my Bi Polar I've decided to document everything from how my daily activities and behaviour may have changed to what medication I am taking and what effects are taking place.

I'll try and share as much as I can or feel like with everyone. I'm doing this for various reasons.

1. For those who don't have to deal with a mood disorder or any kind of mental difficulties to gain an insight into what someone who does suffer. Remember all 'sufferers' (I don't like using this word much) are different in their own rights, all brains are different. So consider this insight unique - to some degree.

2. For those who think they might be experiencing some kind of difficulties or know they are but aren't too sure whether they are the only ones - I'm hoping I can show you that there may be at least one person out there like you and you can deal with it the same way I have.
I want to share with you what I go through everyday epsecially with any medication I have been prescribed so you can either be encouraged or discouraged to go ahead with help or a prescription similar to mine. (Note: I am only supplying this information as INFORMATION, and not any advice - doctors and professionals should be the people who ultimately give you any advice you need to take onboard)

3. Lastly, this is for all those who ahve been through it or are going through it, whether it may be similar to my situation or different, in a hope that you may share your knowledge in case it can help or enlighten me.

Click here for my Medication Memoirs - June (So far)

Irritating creeps...

You know its one of those mornings when you have to force your mouth open to say "Good Morning!" Or, you get frustrated that the office cleaner didn't put your little trash bin exactly where you'd like it under your desk just so you can convineintly throw your tea cup into it without having to position it perfectly... It's that irritating bastard thats creeps into you over night that decides to stick around and make your day difficult...

12 noon - Update.
The Lithium seems to be really kicking in this time. Much more than usual. Actually just when I had doubted its effects it has shown me what it's capable of. Ive had to get up at least 6 times already to go to the bathroom already. Fingers are trembling and feeling dazed. At least I know it's doing something, I'm unsure as to whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. The rpaid thoughts have slowed down which is the Bbst thing but I'm not too much on the talkative side either...

My thoughts on the weekend

This is something I'll be regularily doing - posting up what I put in my physical diary, just so everyone can get a deeper insight into my life. Enjoy!

8/6/2008

Can't sit still, can't think properly again. Starting to doubt my identity again. I really don’t know who I'm supposed to be.
According to Erik Erikson there are 8 stages in psychosocial development, one can fail or succeed at each stage which will determine their sense of self when they’re older. Looking at the stages I can see a few stages where things went wrong. And I think the best way to get over this state of confusion I’ve been suffering for years now is to work backwards and revisit these stages and correct where things didn’t go the right way.
"During adolescence children are exploring their independence and developing a sense of self. Those who receive proper encouragement and reinforcement through personal exploration will emerge from this stage with a strong sense of self and a feeling of independence and control." During my teens I wanted to be certain things which were either unacceptable or just wrong. If I had taken on these paths I would have ended up on the wrong end of town.
So I kept letting my family down but never learnt my lesson, never wanted to take their advice I stubbornly persisted in going my own way, which was the wrong way and in the process hurt my family and isolated myself from them and their advice which would have helped in shaping a good sense identity for my future self.
I understand teenagers are rebellious, and trust me I was one of those kids that did everything wrong just to be cool and different. As I grew older I did eventually relies at some stage that this isn’t going to give me the life I want but by then the damage had been done and even worse was the fact that I blocked the past from my memory instead of revisiting them and righting my wrongs.
So now, that I’ve come into my young adulthood (19- 40 years) I should have an idea of who I am, but I don’t, and I can’t progress to forming loving relationships which has left me in an isolated confused world which I find overwhelming.

06/06/08

3.30pm

Once again, the agitation begins, and I'm even taking the full dose of Lithicarb ( 2 tablets a day) which I wasn't supposed to start taking until another 2 days. Don't get me wrong I feel the effects of the lithium to some extent during the whole day, but its like when it hits 3 or 3.30 it decides to take a nap and make my final hours at work hell.

Medication Memoir - June 2008

Medication Memoirs

Month: June
Drug(s): Lithium Carbonate

Day 1: 1x250mg Lithicarb (at 8pm)
Main Effects: Things felt much clearer. Rapid thoughts slowed down and I felt a little more calm. Senses like hearing (listening to music) and sight were somewhat 'clearer' but didn’t really observe this too deeply.
Side effects: Slight slurred speech, metalic tastes, feeling of ‘weakness’.

Day 2: 0x250mg Lithicarb during the day - 1x 250mg Lithicarb at 7pm
Daytime Effects: Things were visually much more clearer, thoughts seemed to be more clearer and 'normal'. Anxiety/Paranoia felt like it had subsided or gone away. Much happier and less isolated feelings. Irrational thoughts decreasing.
Side effects: Nil
Night Effects: The world around me seemed to have slowed down, thoughts were more rational mood seemed to stabilize.
Side effects: metallic taste, slightly slowed down speech, reaction and memory.

Day 3: 0x250mg Lithicarb during the day - 1x 250mg Lithicarb at 7pm
Daytime effects: Close to none, feeling at ease, but feel like I might need to start taking 1 tablet in the morning (was supposed to start this on Day 5)
Side effects: Nil
Night effects: Starting to adjust to the 'slower' feeling, this could either be the 'normal' pace of life/time that everyone else experiences since my feeling of time and space is usually either much faster or slower. but other than that things are better than not taking meds.
Side Effects: Feeling 'normal' but kind of uninterested in what's happening around me (a good and bad thing - depending)

Day 4: 1x125mg Lithicarb at 7am - 1x 250mg Lithicarb at 7pm
Daytime effects: Highly sociable, feel like the Lithium might be working at full effect now. Cruising through the day normally. Feeling "normal" and not expriencing any irrational rapid thoughts.
Side effects: metalic taste, hungry and thirsty. Slight chest/heart aches.
Nighttime effects:
Side effects: Slight chest/heart aches.

Day 6, 7, 8: 2x250mg Lithicarb
Kind of hard to swallow, felt the need to isolate myself. Lost the ability to socialize or handle social situations. Felt confused and can’t remember much from this period.

Day 9: 1x250mg Lithicarb at 7am 1x250mg at Lithicarb 9.30pm
Daytime effects: Feeling slightly irritated today. Not socialising and feeling muggy.
Side effects: Slurred speech, slow reactions and constantly urinating. "Weak" feeling, slight trembling fingers and nausea. Diarrhoea.
During the night: Went straight to sleep, but could feel dizzy.
Side effects: Increasing heart/chest pain. Slight stomach aches.

Day 10: 1x125mg at 7am, 1x125mg at 9.30am (250mg Daytime) 1x125mg at 7am, 1x125mg at 9.30am (250mg Evening)
Daytime effects: Feeling a little more better than yesterday, things felt pretty good when I took the first 125mg (half a tablet) and kind of regret taken the other half so soon. A little more social and less isolated than yesterday.
Side Effects: (after taking the second tablet sideeffects kicked in) Increasing heart/chest pain. Slight Stomach aches, slurred speech, slow reactions and constantly urinating. "Weak" feeling, slight trembling fingers and nausea.
Night time effects: Much smoother thoughts, feeling very calm and collected. Taking half a tablet every 4 hours doesn’t bring on strong side effects and prolongs calmness in my mind. Actually feeling normal.

Day 13-15: 1x125mg at 7am, 1x125mg at 9.30am (250mg Daytime) 1x125mg at 7am, 1x125mg at 9.30pm (250mg Evening)

Daytime effects: My mood has been pretty stable for the past couple of days, thankfully. I’ve been able to socialize and have been working at a more ‘normal’ – not erratic or too slow. Things have been pretty nice. It seems as if I’ve become
Side effects: Taking tablets in halved doses has lead to subsided side effects. Slight burry eyes and slowness, but much more manageable.

Medication Memoirs

Medication Memoirs
Why I'm Doing this..

As I get treatment for my Bi Polar I've decided to document everything from how my daily activities and behaviour may have changed to what medication I am taking and what effects are taking place.

I'll try and share as much as I can or feel like with everyone. I'm doing this for various reasons.

1. For those who don't have to deal with a mood disorder or any kind of mental difficulties to gain an insight into what someone who does suffer. Remember all 'sufferers' (I don't like using this word much) are different in their own rights, all brains are different. So consider this insight unique - to some degree.

2. For those who think they might be experiencing some kind of difficulties or know they are but aren't too sure whether they are the only ones - I'm hoping I can show you that there may be at least one person out there like you and you can deal with it the same way I have.
I want to share with you what I go through everyday especially with any medication I have been prescribed so you can either be encouraged or discouraged to go ahead with help or a prescription similar to mine. (Note: I am only supplying this information as INFORMATION, and not any advice - doctors and professionals should be the people who ultimately give you any advice you need to take on board)

3. Lastly, this is for all those who have been through it or are going through it, whether it may be similar to my situation or different, in a hope that you may share your knowledge in case it can help or enlighten me.


What to keep in mind...
Reading my journals on taking my medication you will see a whole lot of 'effects' and 'side effects' that I've observed. Keep in mind that even though these may look like I'm about to die, they are usually things that are easily ignored, subtle, or don't last too long. If I indicate that a certain effect or side effect was dangerous or fatal I will most definitely write it and stop the medication. Believe me these small effects that I experience are a big trade off for the crap that I usually endure in my mind.
Also, I like to experiment and alter ways to take medication. Mainly because I want to test the medication's, and myself,effect in different circumstances. Which is why you might not ever see a consistency in what I experience, but I do this until i can get things 'right'. I don't advise this for anyone, and sometimes it could be deemed dangerous but my curiosity is hard to suppress...
One final note - I have very fast tolerance when it comes to medication and my body absorbs things really fast, which always allows me to experience the effects almost straight away. I hardly experience a placebo effect so most of my observerations are spot on accurate.

Click here for: June 2008

A day at work

A day at work…

It's 9:08 am, Monday, I'm absolutely dreading work already. My mind is so slow and I'm really having trouble comprehending what it is I need to be doing. I know Monday’s are always the worst part of the week, but I usually don’t mind them as much and even though I would usually wish Sunday could keep dragging on so I can relax at home I never actually wanted to get the hell out of here so badly. To make things worse we changed our seating arrangements at work so that teams could work closer together, and the spot I have now is isolated from the rest, its like an island, and although when my boss explained to me that I was put here kind of 'on my own' because I work faster and more efficiently that the rest of the guys on the team, and that he needed to keep an eye on them, I have a feeling this move is going to do more damage than boosting my confidence as it is intended to do. Initially I was ok with the move, change is inevitable I told myself, just ride it, enjoy it and look at it from a good perspective. But sitting here, my back is turned to everyone else, in front of me is a wall as opposed to the open space the previous spot had.
I feel edgy with people walking behind me all the time, should I look like I’m doing more work now that I’m sitting here? I feel like the boy in a corner, forced to face the wall and think about the bad thing I've done that resulted in me being punished.

Hmmm, on Friday when the move around was happening, I’d joke to everyone saying I’ve got my own island-desk, and that I'm my own king, my other work mates were kind of envious about the 'special' treatment I seemed to have gotten, especially because I knew about this move-around before they did. Yet I feel like I’m being punished, and as usually my thoughts are overflowing and I can feel the paranoia begin to subside. I just want to go home.

About this Blog

What’s with this blog?

Well, where do I begin? The main reason why I’m doing this is to better myself. Actually, no, I don’t even know who I am. So let’s start from the top. I’m trying to figure out who it is I am.
You see, for most of my life I’ve been suffering from Manic Depression and it wasn’t until recently that I decided to finally seek professional help because my life had just plummeted into total darkness.

So this blog is pretty much my way of expressing myself to the world, fully and indiscriminately, so that I can not only air out what’s in my mind but also take in what the world sees me as. That’s right, I’m asking for your help. Help me find myself and wake up to ‘a tomorrow with no mistakes’...

This blog will not only be awareness into my life and my mood disorders. But also help for those who feel they are in similar shoes as I am. Apart from that I will be posting articles, opinions and what not on things I love and have great interests in – these will include arts, music, books and psychology and self improvement to name the least.

This blog is pretty much my mirror image reflected out in the form of letters, words and thoughts. So...be prepared for slight split personailty symptoms, hot and cold, funny yet seriousness too. But this is also my way of finally celebrating who it is I am. I have been on a trail of enlightnment, of becoming a better man. We never want to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Hello World

Hello world.

Welcome to my life. At times exciting, fast and fun, sometimes overwhelming and other times just plain cold, slow and painfully unbearable.
You see, I’m a man aged in my mid 20’s that’s recently discovered that I suffer from uncontrollable mood swings, fluctuating emotions and depressive states that have left me questioning the concept of life itself. I know it sounds dangerously volatile, but it’s something that’s a product of my own foolishness, ignorance, denial and slight paranoia.
At the age of 19 I realized that something seems to be really wrong after looking at my actions one day and reflecting on similar things I’ve done through out all my teens. What am I referring to? Well for instance, sometimes I’d cry no absolute reason, sometimes I’d scream for no absolute reason, sometimes I’d trap myself in my room, sometimes I’d get hysterical and over exited.
Well, you get the point, but what’s funny is that when I started looking back on my behavior and attitude all these things are kind of blurry forgotten memories, or better yet, you know when you watch a movie and there’s a scene of the actor remembering – the camera lens looks misty, the white is bright but soft and things are kind of moving in a blurred motion. That’s what my reflections looked like, and then I’d come to an enlightened realization that I’ve been living a really up and down life, but nobody’s said anything – so, hey it must be me just overreacting to my memories.

So that’s me at 19, in denial that something’s seriously wrong with my emotions, moods and behavior, yet life goes on and things aren’t too bad. Fast forward a few years and I’ve noticed these mood swings are a big part of my life and kind of take control of situations when they arise. I notice them only after they happen – like that misty memory stored in the back of my mind – and now I seem to analyze them in more detail. At this point I’m thinking… maybe this is just me growing up, becoming a mature man and observing my ego, my self, my identity and it’s not a big deal. Yet in this period of ‘self discovery’ I stumbled upon a television ad one late night. With the volume on mute, I couldn’t help but notice this ad. It was saying something to me. The main actor was a young girl, in one seen smiling, looking ecstatic at a party, then the scene switches to a dark room, what looked like the corner of her bedroom, sitting down crawled up and crying. Holy shit! That’s me! My brain goes into overdrive; and I see the word Bi-Polar somewhere in the text at the end. Anyway, the night goes on and the ad becomes a distant memory, until a few days later when it springs up in my head as if an alarm trying to tell me I need to be curious about something right now. So just like any curious cat I Google the word, open a Wikipedia article on it and my life was changed forever.
I had bi-polar? Hmmm... That explains a lot...


(Fastforward to June 1, 2008)
So for the past couple of years I live with this thing called Bi-polar, constantly in denial I have a mental disorder, yet constantly celebrating it. I guess because in the manic states I was able to be at creative heights that gave me the opportunity to work on projects that had serious good chances of making a name for myself – something I’ve always dreamt about ( I've wanted to scribe my name in the history books since I was a kid). I was going somewhere... I was highly creative, with really impressive ideas... I was funny, quirky and sometimes over the top (in a fun way)… I was weird, why do I suddenly ‘disappear’? Why do I look sad tonight? These are things my friends and people who knew me well would start saying every now and then.
It was my Borrowed Crown. I was the king of the world for a while, well, at times, until the crown was due to be returned.
Then I started questioning myself, too much. Things stopped making sense and the downward spiral began, which brings us to this point. Where I’ve finally realized my demise and after a great deal of mental battles, I’m laying down my armor. I’m seeing someone about this. I’ve got big dreams to make true, this thing aint stopping me.